Jealousy is Just Desire in Disguise

November 15, 2025

Jealousy is Just Desire in Disguise

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Can we talk about jealousy for a minute? Not the kind that makes you do something you’ll regret, but that sharp little sting you feel when you see someone living a life that looks suspiciously like the one you desire for yourself.

I’m sure you know the feeling. It might have resurfaced when you were scrolling through your feed and someone announced their book deal, or posted photos from their beautiful home, or shared that they’re finally pursuing that creative project you’ve been thinking about for years. And suddenly there was that uncomfortable tightness in your chest. That sinking feeling. That voice that whispers, “Why not me?”

We’ve been taught to feel ashamed of jealousy. We tell ourselves we should be happy for others. We should be grateful for what we have. We shouldn’t compare ourselves. And yes, all of that is true. But I’ve also learnt that jealousy isn’t just some toxic feeling we need to eliminate. It’s actually trying to tell us something important.

The Weight We've Been Carrying

Jealousy has a terrible reputation, and for good reason. It can be corrosive, turning into bitterness, resentment, or sabotage. It can poison relationships and keep us trapped in comparison loops that make us miserable. We’ve been taught that if we’re jealous, we’re petty, small, and ungenerous. Not evolved enough. Not grateful enough. Not doing our mindfulness practice properly.

So we suppress it. We deny it. We shame ourselves for feeling it at all. The feeling doesn’t disappear when we do that. It goes underground. It festers. It comes out sideways, in passive-aggressive comments, in secretly hoping someone fails, in that little voice that whispers “they don’t really deserve it” when we see someone succeed.

However, what nobody tells you is that the feeling itself isn’t the problem. It’s what we do with it that matters.

It becomes toxic when we direct jealousy outward, when it becomes about tearing someone else down, proving they don’t deserve what they have, and resenting their success. That’s when it eats us alive from the inside out.

Jealousy transforms into something else entirely when we turn it inward, when we get curious about it, when we let it speak to us. That’s when it becomes information. A signal. A compass pointing toward what we actually want but haven’t yet claimed for ourselves.

Why Jealousy Is So Specific

From paying attention to my own jealousy, from following it like breadcrumbs back to the truth, I’ve learnt that jealousy doesn’t show up randomly. It’s specific. Selective. Exquisitely targeted.

You’re not jealous of everyone who has success, only certain people, in certain ways, doing certain things. Someone launches one type of business and you might feel nothing. Someone else launches a noter type of business, and suddenly you’re burning with it. One person gets recognition for their work and you can genuinely celebrate them. Another person gets recognition for seemingly the same work and you want to crawl out of your skin.

That specificity is the gift. Because it shows you exactly what matters to you, what you value, what you’re yearning for but haven’t yet pursued. The jealousy you feel when someone starts that podcast you’ve been thinking about for two years has nothing to do with them. It’s about the fact that you’ve been thinking about it for two years and haven’t started. The jealousy you feel when someone gets featured in a publication you admire is not about their worthiness; it’s about your own desire for visibility that you haven’t been willing to risk.

When I felt that intense jealousy about the person who launched the project I’d been dreaming about, what I was really feeling was the gap between where I was and where I wanted to be. I wasn’t jealous of their project, not really. I was jealous of their willingness to start. Their courage to put something imperfect into the world. Their apparent freedom from the paralysis that had kept me stuck.

And once I saw that, once I really understood it, the jealousy began to shift. It stopped being about them and became entirely about me. About what I wanted. About what I’d been avoiding. About the version of myself I hadn’t yet become.

What We're Really Afraid Of

There’s something underneath jealousy that we don’t talk about enough, and it’s this: jealousy often points to the places where we’ve abandoned ourselves. Where we’ve put our dreams on hold. Where we’ve decided that what we want isn’t practical or possible or worth pursuing.

When you see someone doing the thing you’ve been telling yourself you can’t do, it’s confronting. It exposes the story you’ve been telling yourself. “I can’t start that business until I have more savings.” “I can’t write that book until I have more time.” “I can’t launch that project until I’m more qualified.” And then someone comes along who doesn’t have more savings or more time or more qualifications, and they do it anyway. And suddenly your story falls apart.

That’s threatening. Because if your story isn’t true, if the reason you haven’t done the thing isn’t because it’s impossible but because you haven’t tried, then what does that say about all the time you’ve spent not trying?

This is why jealousy feels so heavy. It’s not just about wanting what someone else has. It’s about confronting the ways we’ve talked ourselves out of our own desires. The ways we’ve made ourselves small. The ways we’ve chosen safety over possibility.

But here’s the thing: that jealousy is trying to wake you up. It’s trying to shake you out of the story that’s keeping you stuck. It’s trying to show you that what you want is actually possible, because look – someone else is doing it right now.

The Practice of Turning Inward

So how do we actually work with this? How do we take jealousy and turn it into something useful rather than something that makes us feel awful?

It starts with a pause. The moment you feel that hot flush, that tightness in your chest, that “why them and not me” feeling – just pause. Don’t immediately try to talk yourself out of it or shame yourself for feeling it. Just notice it. Name it. “Oh, I’m feeling jealous right now.” No story about what it means about you as a person. Just observation.

Then get curious. Ask yourself:

What exactly am I jealous of here?
Not just "their success" but what quality or aspect? This is where you have to be honest with yourself. Really honest. Maybe it's their confidence. Maybe it's their clarity about what they want. Maybe it's their willingness to be visible. Maybe it's their community, the way people seem to rally around them. Maybe it's their financial security, the freedom that gives them. Maybe it's their ability to start rather than endlessly plan and prepare.

Be specific. Write it down if you need to. Get it out of your head and onto paper where you can actually look at it.
What does this tell me about what I actually want?
Sometimes we don’t even know what we want until we see someone else living it. The crucial step here is to translate your jealousy into desire.

Not their life, but the essence. If you're jealous of their visibility, maybe you want to be seen. If you're jealous of their confidence, maybe you want to trust yourself more. If you're jealous of their project launch, maybe you want to stop preparing and start doing. Your jealousy is giving you clarity. Don’t waste it.
What’s the gap between where I am and where I want to be?
This isn’t about self-punishment. It’s about honest assessment. Where are you? Where do you want to go? What’s in between?

This is where jealousy becomes a compass. It stops being about them and starts being about you. It stops being a feeling that makes you feel small and starts being information you can actually use.

And then – and this is the part where most people get stuck – you have to do something with that information. Not something huge. Not a complete life overhaul. Just one small thing.

What's one small thing you could do this week to move toward what you actually want?
Maybe it's spending an hour on the project you've been avoiding. Maybe it's reaching out to someone for advice. Maybe it's posting something you've been too afraid to share. Maybe it's setting a boundary that protects your creative time. Maybe it's just admitting out loud to someone you trust that you want something you've been pretending not to care about.

One thing. That's it. One small step in the direction your jealousy is pointing.

Jealousy transformed into action stops being jealousy. It becomes momentum. It becomes a possibility. It becomes the first step toward the thing you’ve been wanting all along.

The life you want to build is on the other side of that jealous feeling. The contribution you want to make is waiting for you to stop preparing and start moving. The impact you want to have is possible, but only if you’re willing to begin.

So follow the jealousy. See where it’s pointing. And then take one step in that direction.

That’s how everything changes.

The Most Important Part

Listen, this journey won’t always be linear. There will be days when the jealousy still stings. Days when you feel like you’re not moving fast enough or far enough. Days when it seems like everyone else has figured it out except you.

On those days, remember that jealousy only hurts because you care. Because you have dreams that matter to you. Because you’re not content to sleepwalk through your one precious life.

That’s not a flaw. That’s proof that you’re alive. That you’re paying attention. That you still believe in your own potential.

Feel the jealousy. Learn from it. Let it point you home to yourself and to what you truly want. Then put one foot in front of the other and start walking toward it.

You don’t need to have it all figured out. You don’t need to know the whole path. You just need to trust that the feeling you’re feeling right now, that uncomfortable, aching, pointing-you-somewhere jealousy, is actually on your side.

It’s not trying to make you feel bad about yourself. It’s trying to make sure you don’t forget what you’re capable of. It’s trying to remind you that you have dreams worth pursuing. It’s trying to wake you up.

So wake up, love. Your life is waiting.

If you know someone who might benefit from reading this article, please feel free to pass it along. Knowing it lands somewhere meaningful makes the effort of writing all the more worthwhile.