First Impressions: Nailing It or Faking It?

September 15, 2024

First Impressions: Nailing It or Faking It?

Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...

There’s something undeniably powerful about first encounters and first impressions. In a matter of seconds, our brains work overtime to assess, categorise, and — let’s be honest — judge the person standing before us. We like to think we’re objective, open-minded individuals, but those initial moments are when the unspoken, and sometimes unfair, assessments take root. It’s both fascinating and terrifying how quickly our minds create this snapshot, and even more so how deeply it can stick.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about this lately. It’s funny how some situations like meeting new people, seem to carry so much more weight than you’d expect. At first, it seems superficial. You know, the usual: how someone is dressed, the way they smile (or don’t), their tone of voice, or how firm their handshake is (seriously, who decided that was a thing?). But first impressions go deeper than just physical cues, I reckon. They seem to reveal something more — a sense of confidence, openness, or maybe even anxiety — that people project without saying a word.

After years of trial and error (and countless awkward encounters), I started questioning the whole idea of first impressions. How much weight do they really hold? And more importantly, how can we stop it from totally messing with our heads and making us act like we’re auditioning for some role?

The Subtle Weight of First Encounters

I’m sure you’ve been in one of those “high-stakes” situations before. You know, walking into a room full of strangers, whether it’s for a job interview, a party, or a friend-of-a-friend’s gathering where you felt the pressure to not screw up. Suppose you also have that internal monologue, right? The “Did I smile enough?” or “Was that joke too weird?” How bloody exhausting!

For me, it became personal when I started observing life around me and reflecting on my own interactions. For instance, I live near several schools at the moment, and as the new school year began, I couldn’t help but notice the palpable tension in the air. The first days of this month I’d watch kids walking to school fidgeting nervously, adjusting their clothes, perhaps wondering how they’d be received by their new classmates.

The sight of them, so anxious yet eager, took me back to a time when I, too, felt the weight of that environment — the pressure to be liked, to fit in, to be “enough” in the eyes of others.

What struck me was how universal this feeling is. Whether it’s kids starting a new school year or adults navigating unfamiliar social situations, that initial encounter often feels like a test.

I could sense how some of these children huddled together in tight groups, hoping to blend in, as if the mere act of standing apart could expose them to unwanted scrutiny. It made me wonder how things would go for them in those crucial first few days. Were they feeling accepted, or did they have to fight the unease of standing out in a new environment?

I had a similar personal experience just this past weekend. I was about to meet a group of people I’d heard about but never met in person. It was one of those situations where the stakes felt really high for some odd reason. The pressure got to me, and I became so anxious that I actually got sick the day before (though, in a small miracle, I recovered fully once it was all over). All I could think about leading up to the event was how these people would perceive me and if I would be accepted. In hindsight, it’s kind of funny, but at the time, it was overwhelming. It made me acutely aware of how fragile those first moments with people can be, especially when emotions run high.

Sign Up For My Newsletter

No schedule. No spam. Just wonder-full stuff, whenever inspiration strikes.

The Mechanics Behind First Impressions

In the first few moments of meeting someone, our brains are working at lightning speed. Research suggests that we form an initial impression of someone in just a fraction of a second — within 100 milliseconds to be exact. According to studies, people can assess traits like trustworthiness, competence, and likability in the blink of an eye. This happens because our brains are wired to make sense of the world quickly, a survival mechanism that dates back to when distinguishing between friend and foe was literally a matter of life and death.

These snap judgments, while sometimes helpful, are largely automatic. We rely on a mix of instinct and past experiences to assess someone, even if we aren’t consciously aware of it. While we’re no longer scanning for predators, this instinct hasn’t left us. Now, it’s about social acceptance, which is just as deeply rooted in our evolutionary biology. Social belonging has always been crucial for survival, and that need for approval and to be part of a group shapes much of our behaviour during new encounters. In many ways, each new encounter is like an initiation ritual into a group.

In that sense, appearance, body language, tone of voice, and even minor details like a firm handshake heavily influence how we perceive someone. According to communication experts, 55% of first impressions are based on body language, 38% on tone of voice, and only 7% on the actual words we say. Whats more, once an impression forms, it becomes the filter through which we view all future interactions with that person. Psychologists call this the “halo effect,” where an overall impression (positive or negative) colours how we perceive everything that follows. For example, if we decide someone is confident based on their firm handshake, we’re more likely to interpret other behaviours as competent — even if that’s not necessarily the case.

Why Some First Encounters Are Harder Than Others

At some point, I started wondering why some encounters make us feel calm and confident, while others crank up the anxiety. Turns out, a lot of it comes down to how we perceive the importance of the event (Cognitive Appraisal Theory). When we see a situation as immensely important — like a job interview or meeting influential people — we tend to put so much pressure on ourselves that it heightens our stress. In contrast, we often perform better in casual settings or encounters that we deem less relevant.

This is because we care less about seeking approval in those situations, allowing us to be more ourselves. When we’re not consumed by what others might think, we feel more relaxed and authentic. The trick, I think, is to remind ourselves that it’s all just human interaction. It’s not the end of the world if we don’t make as perfect as we imagined. There’s real freedom in letting go of that pressure. After all, we’re all just people navigating the same social waters, and no one’s as focused on our every move as we tend to believe.

This might be useful: One coping strategy I’ve discovered that helps in these high-stakes situations is, surprisingly, metal music! It may sound odd, but blasting Sabaton, for example, before such events has this incredible soothing effect on my nerves. There’s something about the intensity of the music that grounds me and calms my anxiety.

The Tug-of-War Between Authenticity and Perception

The tension between being authentically yourself and managing how you’re perceived during those first moments is very real — and it’s exhausting. I’ve struggled with this more times than I can count. On one hand, you want to be true to who you are, but on the other, there’s a fear of being misunderstood. I often think back to moments when my quietness was read as disinterest or aloofness, when in reality, I was just taking the time to get a sense of the room. It’s frustrating when you know the impression you’re giving off doesn’t match what’s happening inside.

I’ve come to accept, though, that sometimes first impressions simply don’t do us justice. It’s not always a reflection of who we are; it could be influenced by so many factors. Maybe the person we’re meeting is having an off day, or they’re distracted, or their own set of biases and preconceptions are clouding the interaction. The outcome is often the same: we get misread. And I’ve realised — that’s okay. There is nothing that you can do in such a situation but be who you are and hope there might be another meeting if the relationship is important to you.

This brings me back to being accepted, belonging and one particular idea Brené Brown highlights so well. The difference between belonging and fitting in is profound. As she explains, “Fitting in is about assessing a group of people and trying to become who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are”. When we prioritise fitting in over being authentic, we betray ourselves, and that ultimately leads to misery. We miss out on genuine connections with others when we hide behind a mask, attempting to be someone we think they want us to be.

Letting go of the need to perform for others in those first encounters and focusing instead on showing up as your true self is hard, but it’s also incredibly freeing. I’ve found that the more I embrace my own quirks, uncertainties, and quiet moments, the more relaxed I feel in those first interactions — and ironically, the more likely I am to make a better impression. At the end of the day, being authentically yourself is what paves the way for real, meaningful connections.

Dealing with the Aftermath of a Misstep

Let’s be real — sometimes, our first impression is accurate. But when it’s not, it can feel like we’ve been painted into a corner. Over the years, I’ve learnt to take things less personally and give both myself and others the benefit of the doubt. There’s comfort in remembering that people are complex, multi-layered beings whose full story can’t be captured in a single conversation and one encounter. Sure, we all want to make a good impression, but those first moments are rarely as definitive as we think.

So if you’ve found yourself thinking, “How do I undo this?” It’s uncomfortable, but there are ways to turn things around.

For one, consistency goes a long way. If someone misinterprets your quietness as disinterest, show up consistently engaged in future interactions. If they see your enthusiasm as overbearing, dial it back slightly but stay true to your core. With time, actions have a way of speaking louder than those fleeting first moments.

People will get to know you over time. If they misread you at first, don’t panic. Show up, be consistent, and let your actions speak louder than that one awkward first encounter.

I’ve also learnt the value of humour and humility in these situations. Acknowledging the awkwardness of a misstep, whether it’s my own or someone else’s, can be disarming. When we stop taking ourselves too seriously, it opens the door for others to do the same. People are far more likely to reconsider their impressions when they see authenticity shining through.

Beyond the First Glance

In the end, what I’ve come to realise is that first impressions are just that — impressions. They’re fleeting and imperfect, shaped by our moods, our experiences, and the countless unseen factors influencing every encounter. We can’t avoid making them, but we can choose not to be bound by them.

What has helped me the most is letting go of the pressure to get things right immediately. Whether it’s me trying to present the “perfect” version of myself or forming rigid opinions about others from a brief interaction, I remind myself that we’re all much more than the first encounters can reveal. It’s about staying open, curious, and giving people the space to unfold.

Because at the end of the day, true connections take time. And when we allow ourselves to move beyond those initial judgments — both of others and of ourselves — we discover that the best relationships, and the most meaningful insights, often arise when we give things a little more room to grow.

So now, instead of stressing over first impressions, I try to embrace the idea that every new interaction is just the beginning of a story. And like all good stories, it’s the chapters that follow that truly matter.